The latest cast of "The Surreal Life," I had to swallow hard to understand what was really going on there. Would two of my boyhood idols (the now sleazy Jose Canseco, and Bronson Pinchot, who played Balki on "Perfect Strangers") really be bunking together? A second episode confirmed it: I would in fact be given an all access pass to what 15 years ago would have caused me to touch myself and have nothing happen because I was only 11.
But that second reading also confirmed that VH1 had botched the entire rest of the cast. Not that one would expect superstars on a show which was created to mock has-beens and probably-never-should-have-beens, but I at least need names I know and people I can watch without wanting to take a chainsaw to my funny bone. So I've taken it upon myself to delete the remainder of the current cast, which consisted of Janice Dickinson (too old), Sandi Denton (of Salt-N-Pepa, enough said), Omarosa (kill me), motocrosser Carey Hart (if I may alter a quote from The General, "We all learn to ride a bike at age five, most of us move on to bigger things..."), and British model Caprice (never mind, I just looked at the lingerie page on her website... she can stay). I'll be replacing them with these four:
1. Paris Hilton - reality pioneer the network may have to overpay for her, but we need a reality television veteran to anchor this show... so why not make it one who's likely to get naked, if not hump the entire cast? Also, with a strict ban on pets at the "Surreal Life" house, the rest of her roommates will be pleased to know Paris is sneaking in a wide array of insects and other living organisms via her underwear, which many doctor's have labeled "The Noah's Arc of Venereal Diseases." (Okay fine, I just made that up.)While alone in front of the camera, likely to...Drunkenly obsess over the whorish image the media has unfairly given her, using logic like, "I did this show because I knew it would provide me with an open arena to articulate in a way most of America has never seen before. Millions of people saw my tape and chastised me for doing things that they've done, or would love to do... and some of them even paid good money to watch me do it. And yet I'm a bad person? Everyone just draws their personal lines at different points. I mean, I'd probably suck a guy's dick while I'm taking a dump... but not while he's taking a dump. So quit acting like I don't have any morals."
2.Bob Faget--I mean Saget - Oh yeah, every show needs sex appeal, and who better to keep the ladies tuned in than the most vibrantly arousing man to ever grace this planet? Saget may be a tough one to get, considering he's the only man in history to generate laughs from the same generation using jokes about sucking up dust to provide his lovable children with a clean household ("Full House")... as well as jokes about sucking up sperm to provide his nose with cocaine (Half Baked). But if he really wants to shake that wholesome Danny Tanner image, he'll take advantage of a situation where he can mushroom stamp Jose Canseco on a nightly basis.While alone in front of the camera, likely to...Tell the story about how on three different occasions, Paris insisted on sucking his dick while he sat on the toilet.
3.Dick Vitale - Every reality TV show needs that borderline wacko who bleeds both optimism and enthusiasm. Because they have the most entertaining break downs. It's no fun to watch "cutters" continue to be psycho, or watch moody time bombs continually make annoying scenes. It's much more entertaining to watch upbeat cheerleader-types ride into the house on a train of exuberance, only to have it completely derailed by the third night.While alone in front of the camera, likely to...Drunkenly admit that the thing he misses most while being stuck at the house is not being able to give Coach K blowjobs while he sits on the toilet.
4.Kirk Cameron is the inspirational leg of the house. When things get tough on one of his roommates, he doesn't hesitate to put his arm around them and talk about how adversity just makes you stronger, using the example of how he escaped the temptation that came with playing rebel Mike Seaver in the risqu?? family comedy "Growing Pains," embarked on a career specializing in made-for-TV movies no one remembers, and eventually landed a job co-hosting his own series, "The Way of the Master," where he tells people about God and people tune in to make jokes. When that story flops, he can always get a laugh by explaining that for seven years his neighbor on Growing Pains was named "Boner."While alone in front of the camera, likely to...Tearfully recall the night when Paris barged into the bathroom and tried to go down on him while he was taking a dump. Then thank his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for giving him the strength to resist the temptation and turn the enticing situation into a positive one, by baptizing her in the toilet. His only regret being that he didn't flush first... although she didn't really seem to mind.