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Joke Thread

Last post 07-20-2008, 7:18 PM by Paladin. 96 replies.
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  •  09-07-2006, 12:56 PM

    Joke Thread

     

    Old People Never Die, They Just...

    OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties
    OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance
    OLD ACCOUNTS never die, they are deleted
    OLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a part
    OLD ALCAHOLICS/DRUG ADDICTS never die, they just get wasted
    OLD ANTHROPOLOGISTS never die, they just become history
    OLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver
    OLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structures
    OLD ASSETS never die, they just depreciate
    OLD ASTRONAUTS never die, they just go to another world
    OLD ATOMS never die, they just decay

    OLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interest
    OLD BANKERS never die, they just want to be a loan
    OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go batty
    OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just run their last lap
    OLD BASKETBALL players never die, they just go on dribbling
    OLD BEEKEEPERS never die, they just buzz off
    OLD BIKERS never die, but they're hard on tires
    OLD BLONDES never fade, they just dye away
    OLD BOOKKEEPERS never die, they just lose their figures
    OLD BOOKS never die, they just go out-of-print
    OLD BOWLERS never die, they just end up in the gutter
    OLD BRAKES never die, they just grind down
    OLD BRICKLAYERS never die, they’re just too busy making a kiln
    OLD BRIDGE PLAYERS never die, they just lose their finesse
    OLD BRIDGE PLAYERS never die, they just sit around on their fat aces
    OLD BUDGETS never die, they are fillibustered
    OLD BUREAUCRATS never die, they just waste away
    OLD BURGLARS never die, they just steal away
    OLD BUSINESSES never die, they just get consolidated

    OLD CANNERS never die, they are preserved
    OLD CARD PLAYERS never die, they just lose their tricks
    OLD CARS never die, they just get run into the ground
    OLD CASHIERS never die, they just check out
    OLD CHAUFFEURS never die, they just lose their drive
    OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just do it inorganically
    OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just fail to react
    OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just lose their refluxes
    OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just reach equilibrium
    OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just smell that way
    OLD CLEANING PEOPLE never die, they just kick the bucket
    OLD COMPOSERS never die, they just decompose
    OLD COMPUTER PEOPLE never die, they just lose their memory
    OLD COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS never die, their computers have Fatal Errors
    OLD COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS never die, they just byte the dust
    OLD COOKS never die, they just get deranged
    OLD COURIERS never die, they just keep on EXPRESSing it
    OLD CREDIT CARDS never die, they just expire
    OLD CRICKETERS never die, they just get bowled over
    OLD CRICKETERS never die, they just get smashed for six

    OLD DANCERS never die, they just step away
    OLD DAREDEVILS never die, they just get discouraged
    OLD DEANS never die, they just lose their faculties
    OLD DENTISTS never die, they just lose their pull
    OLD DIETERS never die, they just waist away
    OLD DIVERS never die, they just extend their bottom time
    OLD DIVERS never die, they just get board
    OLD DOCTORS never die, they just lose their patience
    OLD DRYWALLERS never die, they just hang around

    OLD EDITORS never die, they just go out of print
    OLD ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS never die, they just have slower rise times
    OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just do it until it Herz
    OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just lose contact
    OLD ENERGIZER BUNNIES never die, they go on, and on, and on...
    OLD ENGLISH MAJORS do it with Strunk and White
    OLD ENVIRONMENTALISTS never die, they are just recycled
    OLD ESKIMOES never die, they just get cold feet
    OLD EXORCISTS never die, they just give up the ghost

    OLD FARMERS never die, they just go to seed
    OLD FARMERS never die, they just spade away
    OLD FATHERS never die, they just become grandfathers
    OLD FISHERMEN never die, their rods just go limp
    OLD FISHERMEN never die, they just get reel tired
    OLD FISHERMEN never die, they just smell that way
    OLD FOOTBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go to the end zone
    OLD FOOTBALL PLAYERS never die, they just kick off
    OLD FOOTBALLERS never die, they just kick the bucket
    OLD FORESTERS never die, they just pine away
    OLD FRIDGE REPAIRMEN never die, they just blow their cool
    OLD FROGS never die, they just croak
    OLD FRUIT never die, it just pear-ishes

    OLD GARAGEMEN never die, they just retire
    OLD GENEALOGISTS never die, they just degenerate
    OLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalize
    OLD GHOST TOWNS never die, they become desolate
    OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their drive
    OLD GRAPHIC ARTISTS never die, they just de-rez
    OLD GYMNASTS never die, they just take longer to mount

    OLD HAMS never die, they just get grounded
    OLD HARDWARE ENGINEERS never die, they just cache in their chips
    OLD HELSINKI TOURISTS never die, they just vanish into Finn Air
    OLD HIKERS never die, they just trail away
    OLD HIPPIES never die, they just smell that way
    OLD HOCKEY PLAYERS never die, they just achieve their final goal
    OLD HOMEBREWERS never die, they just ferment away
    OLD HUNTERS never die, they just stay loaded
    OLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just imagine it
    OLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just lose their grippe

    OLD INTERPRETERS (for the deaf) never die, they just sign off
    OLD INVESTORS never die, they just roll over

    OLD JOCKEYS never die, they just go horse
    OLD JOE-KS never die, they just get retold by the young
    OLD JOURNALISTS never die, they just get de-pressed

    OLD KAYAKERS never die, they just roll back over, and do it again
    OLD KEY PUNCH OPERATORS never die, they just punch out
    OLD KIDS never die, they just adulterate
    OLD KIDS never die, they just grow up
    OLD KNIGHTS IN CHAIN MAIL never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils

    OLD LASER PHYSICISTS never die, they just become incoherent
    OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their appeal
    OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their briefs
    OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just check out
    OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just get re-shelved
    OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just lose their references
    OLD LIGHT BULBS never die, they just de-light
    OLD LIMBO DANCERS never die, they just go under

    OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just disappear
    OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just they're just fooling themselves
    OLD MATH TEACHERS never die, they just reduce to lowest terms
    OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just disintegrate
    OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just go off on a tangent
    OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just lose some functions
    OLD MECHANICS never die, they just lose their bearings
    OLD MEDIUMS never die, they are just visiting their friends
    OLD MERCENARIES never die, they find someone else to take their place
    OLD MERCENARIES never die, they just go to hell to regroup
    OLD METEORS never die, they just burn up
    OLD MILKMAIDS never die, they just lose their whey
    OLD MINISTERS never die - they just go out to pastor
    OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just decompose
    OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just get played out
    OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just go from bar to bar

    OLD NUCLEAR POWER PLANTS never die, they just go off-line
    OLD NUMERICAL ANALYSTS never die, they just get disarrayed
    OLD NURSES never die, they just get enemated

    OLD OPTOMESTRISTS never die, they just speculate
    OLD OWLS never die, they just don't give a hoot

    OLD PACIFISTS never die, they just go to peaces
    OLD PARADOXES never die, they just become enigmas
    OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they get sent to the old focus home
    OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they just stop developing
    OLD PILOTS never die, they just buzz off
    OLD PILOTS never die, they just go to a higher plane
    OLD PLANETS never die, they just lose their attraction
    OLD PLASTIC never dies, they just recycle it
    OLD PLUMBERS never die, they just go down the drain
    OLD POLICEMEN never die, they just cop out
    OLD POSTAL CARRIERS never die, they just lose their zip
    OLD PRINTERS never die, they're just not the type
    OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just byte it
    OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just decompile
    OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just get bugged with life
    OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just go to bits
    OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just lose their memory
    OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just move to new addresses
    OLD PROGRAMMING WIZARDS never die, they just recurse
    OLD PROPANE TANKS never die, they just run out of gas

    OLD QUARTERBACKS never die, they just fade back and pass away
    OLD QUILTERS never die, they just go to pieces
    OLD QUILTERS never die, they just go under cover

    OLD RADIOS never die, they just stop receiving
    OLD RAILROADERS never die, they just derail
    OLD RAIN PUDDLES never die, they just dry up

    OLD SAILORS never die, they just get a little dinghy
    OLD SAILORS never die, they just lose their porpoise
    OLD SALESMEN never die, they just go out of commission
    OLD SCHOOLS never die, they just lose their principals
    OLD SCIENTISTS never die, they just gravitate
    OLD SCOTS never die, but they can be kilt
    OLD SCULPTORS never die, they just lose their marbles
    OLD SEAMSTRESSES never die, they just come to the point
    OLD SEERS never die, they just lose their vision
    OLD SEWAGE WORKERS never die, they just waste away
    OLD SHOEMAKERS never die, they just lose their sole
    OLD SKIERS never die, but they go downhill fast
    OLD SOCCER PLAYERS never die, they just achieve their final goal
    OLD SOCCER PLAYERS never die, they just lose their kick
    OLD SOLDIERS never die, young ones do
    OLD SOURDOUGHS never die, they just ferment away
    OLD SPELUNKERS never die, they just cave in
    OLD STEELMAKERS never die, they just lose their temper
    OLD STUDENTS never die, they just get degraded
    OLD SURFERS never die, they just get board
    OLD SWIMMERS never die, they just fall off their blocks
    OLD SWIMMERS never die, they just have a stroke
    OLD SYSTEM USERS never die, they just chdir to NULL

    OLD TANNERS never die, they just go into hiding
    OLD TAPE DISPENSERS never die, they just get used up
    OLD TEACHERS never die, they just lose their class
    OLD TELEPHONES never die, they just stop ringing
    OLD THERMODYNAMICISTS never die, they just achieve their state of maximum entropy
    OLD TIRE TUBES never die, they just get punctured
    OLD TRASH never dies, they just bury it
    OLD TRIGONOMETRY TEACHERS never die, they just lose their identities
    OLD TROMBONISTS never die - they just slide away
    OLD TRUCK DRIVERS never die; they just get a new Peterbilt
    OLD TV SOAP STARS never die, they become pathetic

    OLD USENETTERS never die, they just become unresponsive

    OLD VACATIONERS never die, they just don't come back
    OLD VINTNERS never die, they just ferment away
    OLD VIOLINISTS never die, they just become unstrung
    OLD VOICEMAIL SYSTEMS never die, they just stop answering
    OLD WANTS never die, they become needs
    OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just run out of time
    OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just unwind
    OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just wind down
    OLD WEATHERMEN never die, they reign forever
    OLD WHITE WATER RAFTERS never die, they just get disgorged
    OLD WOOL COATS never die, they just become mothballed
    OLD WRESTLERS never die, they just lose their grip

    OLD YACHTSMEN never die, they just keel over

    WALT DISNEY didn't die, he's in suspended animation


     

     

     


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  •  09-07-2006, 12:58 PM

    Pentagon Cleaning Staff

     

     


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  •  09-07-2006, 1:06 PM

    Robin William's Peace Plan

     

     

    Robin William's Peace Plan
    How the U.S. will become self-sufficient & energy wise...


    1.) The U.S. will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic and the rest of those 'good ole boys,' We will never "interfere" again.

    2.) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station those troops at our borders. No one sneaking through holes in the fence.

    3.) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are. France would welcome them.

    4.) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

    5.) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.

    6.) The U.S. will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.

    7.) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go some place else They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

    8.) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

    9.) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some place. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

    10.) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH... learn it... or LEAVE... Now, isn't that a winner of a plan.

    The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'


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  •  09-07-2006, 1:10 PM

    Terrorist 'Catch and Release' Program

    Terrorist 'Catch and Release' Program
    U.S. Navy releases terrorist in a truly humanitarian gesture...

    The U.S. Navy today announced that it has released a
    senior Al Quaeda terrorist after questioning his extensively for 27 days
    while being held prisoner aboard a U.S. aircraft carrier (USS Enterprise)
    in the Arabian Sea.

    In a humanitarian gesture, the terrorist was given $50 U.S.
    and a white 1965 Ford Fairlane automobile upon being released from custody.

    The attached photo (taken by Navy photographers aboard the Enterprise)
    shows the terrorist on his way home just after being released by the Navy.

    Advice has it that the Navy has 472 '65 Ford Fairlanes on inventory - ex staff cars...

     

     

     

     

     

     


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  •  09-07-2006, 1:12 PM

    Triple Blade Razor for Terrorist Conversion

     

     


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  •  09-07-2006, 1:14 PM

    The American War Card..

     

     

     

    The American War Card..

     


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  •  09-07-2006, 7:45 PM

    Stabity Stab Stab

     

     

     

    Stabity Stab Stab

    A young Hezballa  soldier, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.
    "That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Israelis, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."
    "But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.
    The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."

    The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a Israeli soldier charges at him.
    The recruit points the broom. "Bangety Bang Bang!" The Israeli falls dead. More
    Israelis appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens.
    Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one Israeli soldier walking slowly toward him. "Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit.
    The Israeli keeps coming.
    "Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!"

    It's no use. The Israeli keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says...

     

     

     


    "Tankety Tank Tank."


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  •  09-07-2006, 8:01 PM

    Rules of the Air

     

     

     

    Rules Of The Air

    1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

    2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger.  If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is,
    unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

    3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

    4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

    5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

    6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool.   When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

    7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

    8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away.  A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

    9. Learn from the mistakes of others.  You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

    10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

    11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival.   Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

    12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

    13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the
    opposite direction.  Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

    14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

    15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.  Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

    16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience.  The trick is to fill the bag of experience
    before you empty the bag of luck.

    17. Helicopters can't fly;  they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

    18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion
    coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

    19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

    20. Good judgment comes from experience.  Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

    21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

    22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

    23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law.  And it's not subject to appeal.

    24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.


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  •  09-07-2006, 8:08 PM

    This explains it all..

     

     

    Oil Shortage

    A lot of folks can't understand how the U.S. came to have an oil shortage.

    The simple answer is that nobody bothered to check the oil…
       
    They didn't know they were getting low...

    The reason for this is purely geographical. All the oil is in Alaska, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, Wyoming…
       
    All the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.


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  •  09-07-2006, 8:16 PM

    Duck Tape

     

    New Year's Terrorist Alert

    To: Dept. of Homeland Security

    Dear Sirs:

    I am writing to you for further instructions to what the next step is for me to take in protecting my family from possible attacks by terrorists.

    I still have my duck taped - from last year's terrorist alert...



    ... now what?


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  •  09-07-2006, 8:49 PM

    Motivation

     

    Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.  His parents had tried everything. Tutors, Mentors, flash cards, Special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

    Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face.  He didn't even kiss his mother hello.

    Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed.She called him down to dinner.

    To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

    Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card.

    He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.  With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.  She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it?  Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?

    "WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"

    Little Zachary looked at her and said,  "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

     

     


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  •  09-22-2006, 8:57 PM

    Signs Found in Restrooms

     

    Friends don't let friends take home ugly men
    Women's restroom Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

    Beauty is only a light switch away.
     Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC

    If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life,
    then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
     Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC
     
    Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
    The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO
     
    No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick
    and tired of putting up with her ***.
    Men's Room Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC
     
    At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry.
    Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ

    It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
    Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ

    Make love, not war. -Hell, do both GET MARRIED!
    Women's restroom The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

    If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. Revolution Books New York , New York .

    If pro is opposite of con,then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
    Men's restroom House of Representatives, Washington , DC

    Express Lane: Five beers or less Sign over one of the urinals Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ

    You're too good for him.
     Sign over mirror in Women's restroom Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills ,CA

    No wonder you always go home alone.
     Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills ,CA
     
    ~~~ and perhaps the most realistic one ~~~
     
    Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it
    Women's restroom Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX

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  •  09-22-2006, 8:59 PM

    Why we split up

    Why we split up
     
    She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.
     
    Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.
     
    And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.
     
    She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me
     
    I told her that was what the beer was for.
     
    I don't think she's coming back.....

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  •  09-22-2006, 9:02 PM

    little girls R smarter that

    A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
     
    The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
     
    "Thanks" the girl says.
     
    The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too,I think you could go faster."
     
    The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

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  •  09-22-2006, 9:03 PM

    A few of my Favourite Things

     A Newfie saw a sign in a restaurant window.
      It read: 
    "Happy hour special:
     Lobster tail & Beer" 
     
     "Ah, ha "he says to himself ,
     
    " Me 3  favourite things!"

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