Moncton Forum

 

OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties
OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance
OLD ACCOUNTS never die, they are deleted
OLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a part
OLD ALCAHOLICS/DRUG ADDICTS never die, they just get wasted
OLD ANTHROPOLOGISTS never die, they just become history
OLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver
OLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structures
OLD ASSETS never die, they just depreciate
OLD ASTRONAUTS never die, they just go to another world
OLD ATOMS never die, they just decay

OLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interest
OLD BANKERS never die, they just want to be a loan
OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go batty
OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just run their last lap
OLD BASKETBALL players never die, they just go on dribbling
OLD BEEKEEPERS never die, they just buzz off
OLD BIKERS never die, but they're hard on tires
OLD BLONDES never fade, they just dye away
OLD BOOKKEEPERS never die, they just lose their figures
OLD BOOKS never die, they just go out-of-print
OLD BOWLERS never die, they just end up in the gutter
OLD BRAKES never die, they just grind down
OLD BRICKLAYERS never die, they’re just too busy making a kiln
OLD BRIDGE PLAYERS never die, they just lose their finesse
OLD BRIDGE PLAYERS never die, they just sit around on their fat aces
OLD BUDGETS never die, they are fillibustered
OLD BUREAUCRATS never die, they just waste away
OLD BURGLARS never die, they just steal away
OLD BUSINESSES never die, they just get consolidated

OLD CANNERS never die, they are preserved
OLD CARD PLAYERS never die, they just lose their tricks
OLD CARS never die, they just get run into the ground
OLD CASHIERS never die, they just check out
OLD CHAUFFEURS never die, they just lose their drive
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just do it inorganically
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just fail to react
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just lose their refluxes
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just reach equilibrium
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just smell that way
OLD CLEANING PEOPLE never die, they just kick the bucket
OLD COMPOSERS never die, they just decompose
OLD COMPUTER PEOPLE never die, they just lose their memory
OLD COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS never die, their computers have Fatal Errors
OLD COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS never die, they just byte the dust
OLD COOKS never die, they just get deranged
OLD COURIERS never die, they just keep on EXPRESSing it
OLD CREDIT CARDS never die, they just expire
OLD CRICKETERS never die, they just get bowled over
OLD CRICKETERS never die, they just get smashed for six

OLD DANCERS never die, they just step away
OLD DAREDEVILS never die, they just get discouraged
OLD DEANS never die, they just lose their faculties
OLD DENTISTS never die, they just lose their pull
OLD DIETERS never die, they just waist away
OLD DIVERS never die, they just extend their bottom time
OLD DIVERS never die, they just get board
OLD DOCTORS never die, they just lose their patience
OLD DRYWALLERS never die, they just hang around

OLD EDITORS never die, they just go out of print
OLD ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS never die, they just have slower rise times
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just do it until it Herz
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just lose contact
OLD ENERGIZER BUNNIES never die, they go on, and on, and on...
OLD ENGLISH MAJORS do it with Strunk and White
OLD ENVIRONMENTALISTS never die, they are just recycled
OLD ESKIMOES never die, they just get cold feet
OLD EXORCISTS never die, they just give up the ghost

OLD FARMERS never die, they just go to seed
OLD FARMERS never die, they just spade away
OLD FATHERS never die, they just become grandfathers
OLD FISHERMEN never die, their rods just go limp
OLD FISHERMEN never die, they just get reel tired
OLD FISHERMEN never die, they just smell that way
OLD FOOTBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go to the end zone
OLD FOOTBALL PLAYERS never die, they just kick off
OLD FOOTBALLERS never die, they just kick the bucket
OLD FORESTERS never die, they just pine away
OLD FRIDGE REPAIRMEN never die, they just blow their cool
OLD FROGS never die, they just croak
OLD FRUIT never die, it just pear-ishes

OLD GARAGEMEN never die, they just retire
OLD GENEALOGISTS never die, they just degenerate
OLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalize
OLD GHOST TOWNS never die, they become desolate
OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their drive
OLD GRAPHIC ARTISTS never die, they just de-rez
OLD GYMNASTS never die, they just take longer to mount

OLD HAMS never die, they just get grounded
OLD HARDWARE ENGINEERS never die, they just cache in their chips
OLD HELSINKI TOURISTS never die, they just vanish into Finn Air
OLD HIKERS never die, they just trail away
OLD HIPPIES never die, they just smell that way
OLD HOCKEY PLAYERS never die, they just achieve their final goal
OLD HOMEBREWERS never die, they just ferment away
OLD HUNTERS never die, they just stay loaded
OLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just imagine it
OLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just lose their grippe

OLD INTERPRETERS (for the deaf) never die, they just sign off
OLD INVESTORS never die, they just roll over

OLD JOCKEYS never die, they just go horse
OLD JOE-KS never die, they just get retold by the young
OLD JOURNALISTS never die, they just get de-pressed

OLD KAYAKERS never die, they just roll back over, and do it again
OLD KEY PUNCH OPERATORS never die, they just punch out
OLD KIDS never die, they just adulterate
OLD KIDS never die, they just grow up
OLD KNIGHTS IN CHAIN MAIL never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils

OLD LASER PHYSICISTS never die, they just become incoherent
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their appeal
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their briefs
OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just check out
OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just get re-shelved
OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just lose their references
OLD LIGHT BULBS never die, they just de-light
OLD LIMBO DANCERS never die, they just go under

OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just disappear
OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just they're just fooling themselves
OLD MATH TEACHERS never die, they just reduce to lowest terms
OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just disintegrate
OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just go off on a tangent
OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just lose some functions
OLD MECHANICS never die, they just lose their bearings
OLD MEDIUMS never die, they are just visiting their friends
OLD MERCENARIES never die, they find someone else to take their place
OLD MERCENARIES never die, they just go to hell to regroup
OLD METEORS never die, they just burn up
OLD MILKMAIDS never die, they just lose their whey
OLD MINISTERS never die - they just go out to pastor
OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just decompose
OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just get played out
OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just go from bar to bar

OLD NUCLEAR POWER PLANTS never die, they just go off-line
OLD NUMERICAL ANALYSTS never die, they just get disarrayed
OLD NURSES never die, they just get enemated

OLD OPTOMESTRISTS never die, they just speculate
OLD OWLS never die, they just don't give a hoot

OLD PACIFISTS never die, they just go to peaces
OLD PARADOXES never die, they just become enigmas
OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they get sent to the old focus home
OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they just stop developing
OLD PILOTS never die, they just buzz off
OLD PILOTS never die, they just go to a higher plane
OLD PLANETS never die, they just lose their attraction
OLD PLASTIC never dies, they just recycle it
OLD PLUMBERS never die, they just go down the drain
OLD POLICEMEN never die, they just cop out
OLD POSTAL CARRIERS never die, they just lose their zip
OLD PRINTERS never die, they're just not the type
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just byte it
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just decompile
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just get bugged with life
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just go to bits
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just lose their memory
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just move to new addresses
OLD PROGRAMMING WIZARDS never die, they just recurse
OLD PROPANE TANKS never die, they just run out of gas

OLD QUARTERBACKS never die, they just fade back and pass away
OLD QUILTERS never die, they just go to pieces
OLD QUILTERS never die, they just go under cover

OLD RADIOS never die, they just stop receiving
OLD RAILROADERS never die, they just derail
OLD RAIN PUDDLES never die, they just dry up

OLD SAILORS never die, they just get a little dinghy
OLD SAILORS never die, they just lose their porpoise
OLD SALESMEN never die, they just go out of commission
OLD SCHOOLS never die, they just lose their principals
OLD SCIENTISTS never die, they just gravitate
OLD SCOTS never die, but they can be kilt
OLD SCULPTORS never die, they just lose their marbles
OLD SEAMSTRESSES never die, they just come to the point
OLD SEERS never die, they just lose their vision
OLD SEWAGE WORKERS never die, they just waste away
OLD SHOEMAKERS never die, they just lose their sole
OLD SKIERS never die, but they go downhill fast
OLD SOCCER PLAYERS never die, they just achieve their final goal
OLD SOCCER PLAYERS never die, they just lose their kick
OLD SOLDIERS never die, young ones do
OLD SOURDOUGHS never die, they just ferment away
OLD SPELUNKERS never die, they just cave in
OLD STEELMAKERS never die, they just lose their temper
OLD STUDENTS never die, they just get degraded
OLD SURFERS never die, they just get board
OLD SWIMMERS never die, they just fall off their blocks
OLD SWIMMERS never die, they just have a stroke
OLD SYSTEM USERS never die, they just chdir to NULL

OLD TANNERS never die, they just go into hiding
OLD TAPE DISPENSERS never die, they just get used up
OLD TEACHERS never die, they just lose their class
OLD TELEPHONES never die, they just stop ringing
OLD THERMODYNAMICISTS never die, they just achieve their state of maximum entropy
OLD TIRE TUBES never die, they just get punctured
OLD TRASH never dies, they just bury it
OLD TRIGONOMETRY TEACHERS never die, they just lose their identities
OLD TROMBONISTS never die - they just slide away
OLD TRUCK DRIVERS never die; they just get a new Peterbilt
OLD TV SOAP STARS never die, they become pathetic

OLD USENETTERS never die, they just become unresponsive

OLD VACATIONERS never die, they just don't come back
OLD VINTNERS never die, they just ferment away
OLD VIOLINISTS never die, they just become unstrung
OLD VOICEMAIL SYSTEMS never die, they just stop answering
OLD WANTS never die, they become needs
OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just run out of time
OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just unwind
OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just wind down
OLD WEATHERMEN never die, they reign forever
OLD WHITE WATER RAFTERS never die, they just get disgorged
OLD WOOL COATS never die, they just become mothballed
OLD WRESTLERS never die, they just lose their grip

OLD YACHTSMEN never die, they just keel over

WALT DISNEY didn't die, he's in suspended animation

 

 

 

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"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it."
- Albert Einstein -

 

 

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"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it."
- Albert Einstein -

 

 

1.) The U.S. will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic and the rest of those 'good ole boys,' We will never "interfere" again.

2.) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station those troops at our borders. No one sneaking through holes in the fence.

3.) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are. France would welcome them.

4.) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5.) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.

6.) The U.S. will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.

7.) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go some place else They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8.) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9.) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some place. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10.) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH... learn it... or LEAVE... Now, isn't that a winner of a plan.

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'

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"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it."
- Albert Einstein -

Terrorist 'Catch and Release' Program
U.S. Navy releases terrorist in a truly humanitarian gesture...

The U.S. Navy today announced that it has released a
senior Al Quaeda terrorist after questioning his extensively for 27 days
while being held prisoner aboard a U.S. aircraft carrier (USS Enterprise)
in the Arabian Sea.

In a humanitarian gesture, the terrorist was given $50 U.S.
and a white 1965 Ford Fairlane automobile upon being released from custody.

The attached photo (taken by Navy photographers aboard the Enterprise)
shows the terrorist on his way home just after being released by the Navy.

Advice has it that the Navy has 472 '65 Ford Fairlanes on inventory - ex staff cars...

 

 

 

 

 

 

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"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it."
- Albert Einstein -

 

 

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"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it."
- Albert Einstein -

 

 

 

The American War Card..

 

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"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it."
- Albert Einstein -

 

 

 

Stabity Stab Stab

A young Hezballa  soldier, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.
"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Israelis, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."
"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.
The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."

The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a Israeli soldier charges at him.
The recruit points the broom. "Bangety Bang Bang!" The Israeli falls dead. More Israelis appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens.
Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one Israeli soldier walking slowly toward him. "Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit.
The Israeli keeps coming.
"Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!"

It's no use. The Israeli keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says...

 

 

 

"Tankety Tank Tank."

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"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it."
- Albert Einstein -

 

 

 

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger.  If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is,
unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool.   When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away.  A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others.  You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival.   Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the
opposite direction.  Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.  Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience.  The trick is to fill the bag of experience
before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly;  they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion
coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience.  Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law.  And it's not subject to appeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

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"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it."
- Albert Einstein -

 

 

A lot of folks can't understand how the U.S. came to have an oil shortage.

The simple answer is that nobody bothered to check the oil…
   
They didn't know they were getting low...

The reason for this is purely geographical. All the oil is in Alaska, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, Wyoming…
   
All the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.

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"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it."
- Albert Einstein -

 

To: Dept. of Homeland Security

Dear Sirs:

I am writing to you for further instructions to what the next step is for me to take in protecting my family from possible attacks by terrorists.

I still have my duck taped - from last year's terrorist alert...



... now what?

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"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it."
- Albert Einstein -

 

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.  His parents had tried everything. Tutors, Mentors, flash cards, Special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face.  He didn't even kiss his mother hello.

Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed.She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card.

He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.  With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.  She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it?  Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?

"WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said,  "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

 

 

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"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it."
- Albert Einstein -

 

Beauty is only a light switch away.

 Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life,

then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.

 Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC

 

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO

 

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick

and tired of putting up with her ***.

Men's Room Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC

 

At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry.

Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ

Make love, not war. -Hell, do both GET MARRIED!

Women's restroom The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. Revolution Books New York , New York .

If pro is opposite of con,then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!

Men's restroom House of Representatives, Washington , DC

Express Lane: Five beers or less Sign over one of the urinals Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ

You're too good for him.

 Sign over mirror in Women's restroom Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills ,CA

No wonder you always go home alone.

 Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills ,CA

 

~~~ and perhaps the most realistic one ~~~

 

Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it

Women's restroom Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX

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"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it."
- Albert Einstein -

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"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it."
- Albert Einstein -

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"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it."
- Albert Einstein -

 A Newfie saw a sign in a restaurant window.

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"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it."
- Albert Einstein -