Here is the most comprehensive list ever assembled of things that bacon makes better. So, never again will anyone be confused. This list is complete. Bring home the Bacon!
1. pizza
2. cheeseburgers
3. LT's
4. Ramadan
5. sausage
6. ham
7. turkey bacon
8. tofu bacon
9. the slaughter of my pet pig Sue
10. kosher food
11. hospital food
12. breakfast at a greasy truck-stop diner
13. Canada
14. bacon double-cheeseburgers
15. Bac-Os Bacon Bits
16. pork
17. poultry
18. prison
19. choking to death on bacon
20. diarrhea
21. racism
22. pigs-in-blankets
23. potatoes
24. pasta
25. loneliness
26. the barely-suppressed memory of my drunk father making love to the Thanksgiving turkey
27. working for Cracked
28. urination
29. deep-fried bowls of ***
30. the Bubonic plague
31. the breakup of Destiny's Child
32. Tom Sizemore's sex video
33. Kobe Bryant's tattoo
34. rug burns
35. losing in Vegas
36. getting your privates caught in your zipper
37. Jheri Curl
38. Having a penis drawn on your face in permanent marker
39. dogs
40. U2's music
41. gas prices
42. pork bellies
43. sneak attacks
44. bug snatch
45. Franklin Delano Roosevelt
46. Pygmies
47. paying for sex
48. having a small penis
49. 3 day acid trip
50. K-holes
51. urinal backsplash
52. asking a fat woman who isn't pregnant when she's due
53. Sunday mornings
54. blueberry juice
55. teabags
56. eggs
57. sandwiches
58. ketchup
59. adrenaline
60. Ethan Frome
61. grits
62. pancakes
63. Jerome Kersey
64. this unusual growth on the left side of my face
65. writing a letter to your congressman
66. fruit
67. spelling bees
68. Kanye West
69. the fall of Communism
70. the economy
71. the blogging
72. stepping in gum
73. masturbation
74. chain gangs
75. body of Christ
76. blood of Christ
77. Jackass
78. coming to terms with the inevitable cancellation of Commander-in-Chief
79. Garfield
80. the absence of bacon
81. blackouts
82. *** hitting the fan
83. Hooters
84. football games
85. merkins
86. craps
87. working with your hands
88. cultivating relationships
89. following the inexplicable continuation of LL Cool J's career
90. Ethan Hawke's hygiene
91. McSweeney's
92. beer
93. cocaine
94. heroin
95. hermaphrodites
96. Kevin Smith movies
97. Cookie Monster playing second fiddle to Elmo
98. Self-hate
99. Affirmative action
100. Mel Torme's scrotum
101. Tyra Banks having not one but two shows on television
102. potty breaks
103. long distance running
104. Sammy Davis Jr.'s glass eye
105. shrinkage
106. getting punched in the face
107. grammatical errors
108. YOUR MOM!
109. jelly donuts
110. rhyme and reason
111. game theory
112. Nathaniel Hawthorne's minor works
113. Fishing
114. mowing the lawn
115. Cunnilingus
116. Debt collection
117. Republican primaries
118. soup
119. diabetes
120. trichinosis
121. Mr. Belvedere
122. Finding out you're adopted
123. double cheeseburgers with onions and white American cheese
124. Bringing home the bacon
125. Water World
126. Broadway musicals
127. Realizing you fed Gizmo bacon after midnight
128. Killing the resulting Gremlin by tripping the building's sprinkler system
129. 133. telethons
130. hurricanes
131. Bar Mitzvahs
132. Bat Mitzvahs
133. Mitzvahs
134. the Shenandoah valley
135. Nature Valley granola bars
136. deodorant
137. the tragic demise of Axl Rose
138. Lisa Kudrow's testicles
139. Sweet N Low
140. start of NBA season
141. Bush's cronyism
142. 7th Grade History Class
143. tuna fish
144. Quizno's
145. scallops
146. blind dates
147. prunes
148. orangutans
149. jizz-mopping the fraternity house living room
150. Maxim
151. Paris Hilton's small boobies
152. seeing your Jetblue flight about to crash on your Jetblue in-seat television
153. "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon"
The two things bacon "does not" make better?
155. Airplane food
156. a devout jew's relationship with an angry, bacon-hating God
I hope to clears everything up.
"If you think education is expensive, try ignorance."