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Joke Thread
Last post 07-20-2008, 7:18 PM by Paladin. 96 replies.
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 09-27-2006, 6:29 PM |
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Paladin
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Moderator in Residence
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CATHOLIC HEART ATTACK
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank.."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, " Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Keeping you informed, entertained, amused.. and Spam Free Buy, Sell, or Trade on Moncton.net. Moncton's Free Classifieds http://www.moncton.net/classifieds/ "The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein -
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| 09-27-2006, 6:33 PM |
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Re: CATHOLIC HEART ATTACK
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| 09-28-2006, 5:16 PM |
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Paladin
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Moderator in Residence
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Posts 7,727
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George Carlin's New Rules For 2006
George Carlin's New Rules For 2006
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man , they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the ass hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," Oooh, you're a huge ***.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
Keeping you informed, entertained, amused.. and Spam Free Buy, Sell, or Trade on Moncton.net. Moncton's Free Classifieds http://www.moncton.net/classifieds/ "The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein -
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| 09-28-2006, 5:19 PM |
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Paladin
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Moderator in Residence
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Posts 7,727
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George Carlin's Views on Aging
George Carlin's Views on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old,
you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there?
Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out.
There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it,
you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you hit Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.
And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
Keeping you informed, entertained, amused.. and Spam Free Buy, Sell, or Trade on Moncton.net. Moncton's Free Classifieds http://www.moncton.net/classifieds/ "The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein -
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| 09-28-2006, 5:21 PM |
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Paladin
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Moderator in Residence
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Posts 7,727
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OSAMA & THE GENIE
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a Bottle on a beach and picked it up.
Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
"You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden.
The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you !" The annoyed genie said, "So be it !" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton.
His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
God is good.
Keeping you informed, entertained, amused.. and Spam Free Buy, Sell, or Trade on Moncton.net. Moncton's Free Classifieds http://www.moncton.net/classifieds/ "The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein -
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| 09-28-2006, 5:23 PM |
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spyn
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neither here nor there, so I musn't be anywhere
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Posts 3,281
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Re: George Carlin's New Rules For 2006
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.--Paladin
hahaha I love this one. You see so many people doing it nowadays, it just takes all the fun out of gift-giving.
I'm smiling. That alone should scare you.
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| 09-28-2006, 5:30 PM |
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Paladin
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Moderator in Residence
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Posts 7,727
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Take a Look at the World of 100 People
Keeping you informed, entertained, amused.. and Spam Free Buy, Sell, or Trade on Moncton.net. Moncton's Free Classifieds http://www.moncton.net/classifieds/ "The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein -
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| 09-28-2006, 5:31 PM |
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Paladin
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Moderator in Residence
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Posts 7,727
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Help Wanted
A Help Wanted sign said: "Must be a good typist and be good with a computer. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time later, a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air.
The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to say the least, to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whoever I hire has to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and database, then presented them to the manager.
The manager was dumbfounded!
He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog. No way could I hire you."
The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."
The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the sign says, but the sign also says you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow."
Keeping you informed, entertained, amused.. and Spam Free Buy, Sell, or Trade on Moncton.net. Moncton's Free Classifieds http://www.moncton.net/classifieds/ "The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein -
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| 09-28-2006, 5:37 PM |
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Paladin
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Moderator in Residence
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Posts 7,727
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After an Air Canada flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from St. John's to Toronto.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and . . . .. OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you.
While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!"
One Newfie passenger yelled, "Yeah, well you should see the back of mine!"
Keeping you informed, entertained, amused.. and Spam Free Buy, Sell, or Trade on Moncton.net. Moncton's Free Classifieds http://www.moncton.net/classifieds/ "The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein -
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| 09-28-2006, 5:40 PM |
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pretty good .do you know where i can find that dog
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| 09-28-2006, 5:49 PM |
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Paladin
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Moderator in Residence
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Posts 7,727
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THE HARDWARE STORE
Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he
sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.
At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while
she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Carl was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?"
Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $300!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she
proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy, and Carl
went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw
for that hinge?"
Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store.
Keeping you informed, entertained, amused.. and Spam Free Buy, Sell, or Trade on Moncton.net. Moncton's Free Classifieds http://www.moncton.net/classifieds/ "The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein -
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| 09-28-2006, 5:52 PM |
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Paladin
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Moderator in Residence
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Posts 7,727
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HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(written by kids)
(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
(1) Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
(9) When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them.
It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck
-- Ricky, age 10
Keeping you informed, entertained, amused.. and Spam Free Buy, Sell, or Trade on Moncton.net. Moncton's Free Classifieds http://www.moncton.net/classifieds/ "The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein -
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| 09-28-2006, 5:52 PM |
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| 09-28-2006, 6:13 PM |
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Paladin
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Moderator in Residence
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Posts 7,727
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 oldman wrote:
Only if you might need a "screw"..
Keeping you informed, entertained, amused.. and Spam Free Buy, Sell, or Trade on Moncton.net. Moncton's Free Classifieds http://www.moncton.net/classifieds/ "The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein -
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| 09-28-2006, 6:15 PM |
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