|
|
Joke Thread
Last post 07-20-2008, 7:18 PM by Paladin. 96 replies.
-
 09-30-2006, 5:56 PM |
|
|
|
Re: UK student exam answers....
|
-
| 10-01-2006, 6:31 PM |
|
-
Paladin
-
-
Moderator in Residence
-
Posts 7,723
-
|
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical male did not stop to ask directions.
I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the back hoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave,
where I saw the vault lid securely in place.
I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul.
As I preached the workers began to say "Amen", "Praise the Lord", and "Glory".
I preached and I preached, like I had never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.
I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat,
I over heard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before,
and I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years!"
Keeping you informed, entertained, amused.. and Spam Free Buy, Sell, or Trade on Moncton.net. Moncton's Free Classifieds http://www.moncton.net/classifieds/ "The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein -
|
|
-
| 10-01-2006, 6:37 PM |
|
-
| 10-13-2006, 4:54 PM |
|
-
Paladin
-
-
Moderator in Residence
-
Posts 7,723
-
|
In a dark and gloomy room, the fortune teller was startled by what she saw in her crystal ball.
She looked up at her customer, sitting across the table.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow.
Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.
She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I get away with it?"
Keeping you informed, entertained, amused.. and Spam Free Buy, Sell, or Trade on Moncton.net. Moncton's Free Classifieds http://www.moncton.net/classifieds/ "The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein -
|
|
-
| 10-13-2006, 5:17 PM |
|
|
|
LOL!!!!!!
That was a good one, Paladin. I wouldn't ask that question seriously .. it's like telling on yourself when it comes to proving intent, hehehe.
Caution: does not play well with stupid people.
|
|
-
| 10-16-2006, 5:21 PM |
|
-
Paladin
-
-
Moderator in Residence
-
Posts 7,723
-
|
Jesus Is Watching You
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his
sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed .. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
To which the parot replied..
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
====
Keeping you informed, entertained, amused.. and Spam Free Buy, Sell, or Trade on Moncton.net. Moncton's Free Classifieds http://www.moncton.net/classifieds/ "The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein -
|
|
-
| 10-16-2006, 5:23 PM |
|
-
Paladin
-
-
Moderator in Residence
-
Posts 7,723
-
|
How to treat A rude customer
How to Treat a Rude Customer
An award should go to the gate attendant at Luqa airport. A crowded Malta-London flight was cancelled. She was the lone attendant in charge of re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: May I have your attention please? May I have your attention please?" she began. With her voice being heard clearly throughout the terminal, she said, "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said,
"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
===
Keeping you informed, entertained, amused.. and Spam Free Buy, Sell, or Trade on Moncton.net. Moncton's Free Classifieds http://www.moncton.net/classifieds/ "The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein -
|
|
-
| 10-16-2006, 5:24 PM |
|
-
Paladin
-
-
Moderator in Residence
-
Posts 7,723
-
|
The Devoted Wife
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. He had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, ''You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
You know what?''
''What, my dear?'' she asked gently.
''I think you bring me bad luck!''
==========
Keeping you informed, entertained, amused.. and Spam Free Buy, Sell, or Trade on Moncton.net. Moncton's Free Classifieds http://www.moncton.net/classifieds/ "The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein -
|
|
-
| 10-16-2006, 5:26 PM |
|
-
Paladin
-
-
Moderator in Residence
-
Posts 7,723
-
|
"Gold, Silver and Bronze."
Sports Joke
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Once home he tells his wife about the purchase.
"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colours," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course," says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
====
Keeping you informed, entertained, amused.. and Spam Free Buy, Sell, or Trade on Moncton.net. Moncton's Free Classifieds http://www.moncton.net/classifieds/ "The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein -
|
|
-
| 10-17-2006, 3:10 PM |
|
|
|
Re: "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
|
-
| 11-01-2006, 3:03 PM |
|
-
Paladin
-
-
Moderator in Residence
-
Posts 7,723
-
|
If Men Got Pregnant...
Maternity leave would last two years, with full pay.
There would be a cure for stretch marks.
Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
All children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 pm.
Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.
Women would rule the world.
Keeping you informed, entertained, amused.. and Spam Free Buy, Sell, or Trade on Moncton.net. Moncton's Free Classifieds http://www.moncton.net/classifieds/ "The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein -
|
|
-
| 11-07-2006, 12:02 PM |
|
|
|
An elderly couple was attending church services,
about halfway through she leans over and says,
"I just had a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Caution: does not play well with stupid people.
|
|
-
| 01-05-2007, 11:19 AM |
|
-
Paladin
-
-
Moderator in Residence
-
Posts 7,723
-
|
http://groups.msn.com/Moncton101
And Just Who Said That?!
One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that
she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the
rest of the day off.
She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "
Winston Churchill."
"Congratulations said the teacher you may go home."
The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you."
Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy".
"Very good" says the teacher, "you may go."
Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls
would just shut up."
Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny
instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday!"
http://groups.msn.com/Moncton101
http://groups.msn.com/MonctonsSingleAdults http://groups.msn.com/NBsingles
http://groups.msn.com/LifelineGreaterMoncton
crime beat, police beat, Moncton, greater Moncton, Moncton101, atlantic Canada, Halifax, Fredericton, Saint John, Dartmouth
Buy, sell, trade, Give away & Looking for,Yard & Garage Sales, Coupon Exchange, Local Events, 4 & 2 Rent, People Locater, F.Y.I., Crime Beat, Promote your abilities, And much more.
Keeping you informed, entertained, amused.. and Spam Free Buy, Sell, or Trade on Moncton.net. Moncton's Free Classifieds http://www.moncton.net/classifieds/ "The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein -
|
|
-
| 01-08-2007, 9:45 AM |
|
-
Paladin
-
-
Moderator in Residence
-
Posts 7,723
-
|
http://groups.msn.com/Moncton101
A Mothers Patience
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they
passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little
girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have
half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."
He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for
candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There,
there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."
The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately
began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum
purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in
five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I
couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."
The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen."
http://groups.msn.com/Moncton101
http://groups.msn.com/MonctonsSingleAdults http://groups.msn.com/NBsingles
http://groups.msn.com/LifelineGreaterMoncton
crime beat, police beat, Moncton, greater Moncton, Moncton101, atlantic Canada, Halifax, Fredericton, Saint John, Dartmouth
Buy, sell, trade, Give away & Looking for,Yard & Garage Sales, Coupon Exchange, Local Events, 4 & 2 Rent, People Locater, F.Y.I., Crime Beat, Promote your abilities, And much more.
Keeping you informed, entertained, amused.. and Spam Free Buy, Sell, or Trade on Moncton.net. Moncton's Free Classifieds http://www.moncton.net/classifieds/ "The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein -
|
|
-
| 01-08-2007, 9:47 AM |
|
|
|
Haha..I can relate to this one,.....except the nap part..lol
|
|
Page 4 of 7 (97 items)
... 4 ...
|