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Joke Thread

Last post 05-04-2008, 4:27 PM by Paladin. 94 replies.
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  •  03-25-2008, 6:29 AM

    Re: Observations from Bob,,now DECEASED..RIP.

    Paladin wrote:

     

     

     

     It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

    My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Debbie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part- time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

    Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

    I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable.  I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating.  But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.  I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

    Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

    When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

    I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie.  I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.


    After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....

    Signed,

    Bob

    Whew........I'm sure glad I don't play golf.Whistling [whistling]


    Remember yesterday, respect tomorrow, live for today.
    Where is WWJD?
  •  05-04-2008, 4:04 PM

    The Banana Test

     

     In the center of a clearing there is a very, very tall coconut tree and underneath it there are 4 animals,a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel.
     
    They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
     
    Who do you guess will win?
     
    Your answer will reflect your personality.
     
     So think carefully but quickly . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds

    bounce [bounce]

    bounce [bounce]
     
     Got your answer?
     
     Now scroll down to see the analysis.
    >
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    > If your answer is:


     Lion = you're dull.
     
     Chimpanzee = you're a moron.
     
     Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.
     
     Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.


     
     A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.
     
     Obviously you're stressed and overworked.
     
     You should take some time off and relax!
     
     Try again next year.
     


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  •  05-04-2008, 4:08 PM

    A Blondes Cooking Diary....

    I
     


     

    Blonde Cookbook


    It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbours were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.


    Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress.  What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper




    A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway.  I can't say it improved the rice any.




    Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.  Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..




    I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.



    Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday.  I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.




    Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.



    GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

                                  

    A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's

    a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.


    So she peels it off and starts screaming,

    'I've won a motorhome!     


    I've won a motorhome!'

     


    The waitress says, 'That's impossible.

    The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?'


    But the blonde keeps on screaming,

    'I've won a motorhome!

    I've won a motorhome!'

     


    Finally, the manager comes over and says,

    'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.

    You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome

    because we didn't have that as a prize.

     


    The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake.

    I've won a motorhome!'

     


    And she hands the ticket to the

    manager and HE reads... (YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! . I PROMISE !)

    'W I N A B A G E L'


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  •  05-04-2008, 4:23 PM

    Parking lot Road Rage....



    There I was on my way to shop at Wal-Mart. ... Getting into a fight
    was the furthest thing from my mind ...
     
     Wasn't even on the horizon ... Iwas in a great mood...
    And then ... I rear-ended a car.

    So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of
     the car.. (and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny)?

    Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it ... He was a DWARF!

    He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I am NOT HAPPY!"

    So, I look down at him and said, "Well, which one are you then?"

    . . . And that's when the friggin' fight started . .
     
     

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  •  05-04-2008, 4:27 PM

    Will pay for themselves........

    Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive,
     
    Double-pane, energy-efficient kind.  Yesterday, I got a call from the
     
    Contractor who installed them.  He said that the windows had been installed
     
    a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.
     
    Helloooo?  Now just because I'm from Newfoundland doesn't mean that I
     
    should be considered stupid.  So I told him just exactly what his fast- talking
     
    sales guy had told ME last year... Namely, that in just ONE YEAR these
     
    windows would pay for themselves.
     
    'Hellloooo?' (I told him) 'It's been a year!' There was only silence at the
     
    t'other end of the line, so I finally hung up.   He hasn't called back,
     
    probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me.
     
    Never underestimate a Newfoundlander.

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    - Albert Einstein -

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