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HOW YOU MEET

 

If you are tired of going out trying to find some super place to meet singles then maybe you are ready to try some­thing different.
That something different might be learning to meet sin­gles or more correctly allowing yourself to meet other sin­gles wherever you may be.


How many times have you run into somebody super that you would have liked to have met but neither you nor they made the first move and you kicked yourself for days for having let the opportunity go by. 
Sometimes you go back to that place again hoping to accidentally bump into them once again. This time you will not let the opportunity go by--or so you say. 
Probably what will happen is all of your old hang-ups and shy nature will reappear and you will freeze, up again and nothing will happen.


What you have to do is learn to make things happen wherever you are and there appears to be something worth happening. You have to learn the techniques and a few rules and convince yourself that your morals or self respect will not suffer. It really makes no difference if you ap­proach them or they approach you. What is important is that somebody does it. 
Now if you are like me you get tired of waiting around (sometimes for months) for them to approach you so you approach them. There are many you will never get to first base with. In fact, a heck of a lot of them, no matter how hard you try. Initially many of us feel shot down, miserable, lose all of our confidence and refuse to try again.


If you are dreaming the impossible dream and you get shot down, so what? You didn’t have much of anything better to do at the moment anyway and besides, you needed the practice. After awhile it gets to be sort of fun!


Where are you going to meet all of these interesting people we are telling you to meet? 
Well, just about any­place you happen to be. In the supermarket, standing in line at the ticket counter, walking your dog in the park or just about anywhere you happen to be--shopping, at work or playing--you name it!
When you meet people outside of your usual circle of social functions you often get invited to new parties which means more invitations and meeting more and more people. It is endless and goes on and on. So you have the new friends you meet this way anywhere and then you have a secondary wave of new acquaintances when you meet their friends and many times third and fourth waves of friends all as a result of one initial contact.


All we have to do is get past that initial contact and learning how can be the one essential ingredient in chang­ing your entire life to a happy, active, pleasurable existence that you look forward to every day.


Before we get into any lengthy discourse on rules and details memorize Rule #1. You ask Questions... any question!
It is the simplest thing to remember and the most successful thing I have ever run into in making the first approach. You can stay up late studying and learning cute little come ons, or you can read books with clever lines and get all tongue tied when the time comes. Just remember Rule #1 next time you see someone interesting anywhere.
Pardon me, but I see you have some there in your cart, can you tell me where the paper towels are? Do you know what time the live music starts here? How often does this group get together? Do you know your back left tire is low? Whatever there is always there is a question you can ask and you ask it of the person you want to make contact with. Okay, you have memorized Rule #1... ask questions! That is all you will have to memorize.


That sounded too simple, I know, but it is the key so let’s talk about some other rules of meeting singles any-where. 
First of all you have to learn to detect who is sin­gle. To make it easier for other singles to tell you are single I would (if I were you) never wear rings on your left hand. Quite often all you have is a quick glance and you are not able to sort which finger or what type of ring it is. So put them all on your right hand until you get married. You will eventually learn to detect (sixth sense) who is single and who isn’t but we won’t go into that here. One of the things we need to straighten out is your atti­tude or how you look at meeting singles anywhere on your own without an introduction, etc.
What will they think of me? Will they figure I am some desperate sex crazed maniac? Will they think I am a tramp? What?
They will probably be flattered and think what you want them to think; namely, that you find them attractive and you would like to get to know them. You and I both know it is great for the ego having a single of the opposite sex pay attention to you. In fact, it’s really great!


Most singles are a lot more open minded and progres­sive than you think. It makes no difference who makes the first approach--man or woman.
To get to first base you have to talk. Didn’t I meet you at Betty’s party? Rule #1 can be used by asking, “What is your name?” or “Do I know you from somewhere?”
If you are afraid to try because you might get rebuffed then you are going to get nowhere. Remember, you are no­where if you don’t, so what have you got to lose?
Learn to smile and you, yourself, will be approachable. Being approachable is more of an asset than terrific looks.
You do not have to look smooth and confident when you approach someone. In fact, the more you goof it up, the better. You really don’t have to look super smooth like you do this sort of thing for a living. In fact, you can’t hardly do it wrong so don’t worry about that, just talk to “em!. The very best tactic you could use might be to seem to trip over yourself and say dumb things in embarrassment.
Why bother, you say, they probably have more friends and dates than they know what to do with. It may be true, but then again, Mr. or Ms. Super might be at one of those dry spots. It happens to everybody from time to time, no matter how super they might be.
After you have gotten involved in a conversation using Harlan’s Rule #1... ask questions! (By the way, if you run out of conversation, repeat #1 and ask another question.) Then you are ready for  Rule #2. Let them know you are interested.


Let them know you are interested in them more than just as a conversation mate. Now you may assume that they should know this and most will. Yet you must cross formal barriers by putting it into words. Now if you are in some place where there are a lot of other singles, suggest you go somewhere more intimate. Get them away from the group. Whether it’s just going out by the pool or going to some other night spot. This is called “cutting one out from the herd.” Shifting your location gets away from all the competition and distractions. If you are somewhere that you may all soon be leaving suggest going for coffee and continuing the conversation. whether you are man or woman you are free to make the suggestion.
Okay.. .if you are somewhere that means only a brief conversation now, let them know you would like to continue the conversation by saying, “Well, I’d like to talk to you some more and get better acquainted. Let me have your num­ber and I will give you a call or turn that around with, “Why don’t you give me a call sometime and we can continue our conversation, I’m in the phone book under____________. Do not ask for a specific date like, “How about going to the movies with me or let’s go out for dinner next week.” This way when you get the phone number it is because they want to see you again, not because they want to go out for dinner, etc. If they want to go out with you and are interest­ed what you do or plan to do is really immaterial. Just say you’d like to get together sometime, preferably, and do not promise anything more.
When you are going out to meet people anywhere some­times you need to have a prop to help things along. Walking the dog is good (the dog is the prop). Reading a mystery book or knitting--Just about anything is better than nothing. A prop gives you or them something to start a conversation about. Use your imagination: carrying something that is un­usual that can lead to a conversation. 

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"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it."
- Albert Einstein -

  

                                    

 

 

the good news.

Statistically it has been shown that a divorced person has a better chance of being remarried (If that's what you want) than a person the same age who has never been married, and even a slightly better chance than one whose marriage was ended by death.

For example, 99% of men divorced at age 25 remarry, compared to 93% of still single men, and 97% of widowers.

For women, it was 99%, 88% and 93%, respectively.

The chance declines with age, but the decline is slower for the divorced.

You see, the divorced are the marrying kind.

And now the bad news.

Unless you are ready to happen to somebody, no "somebody" will happen to you.

If you are an uptight, strung out, belly down introvert, you are going to have to change your ways.

The old expression, "The bee that gets the honey does not hang around the hive," applies here.

Don't sit home and brood.

Get out of the house and change your mood. Do go alone.

Don't wait to meet someone as alone and unhappy as you.

Be friendly to everyone, do not wait for the other person to make the overtures. Our adult dating tips and advice keeps it simple.

Simply ask questions.

(Did you get that? You simply ask questions.) However, do not be a friendly puppy and run off with anyone who whistles.

There are millions of interesting people around, who are just as eager to meet you as you are to meet them.

if you are not succeeding in meeting new people, it's your own fault.

You have to go where they are and make it easy for them to meet you when you get there. If you go to the right places, you have to be hopelessly incompetent not to make at least one catch in a well stocked pond.

THE DATING GAME

Let's define the "dating game."

"Game" is a procedure for gaining an end, or "an amusement or pastime." In other words,

you are looking to gain a mate and have a lot of fun along the way.

You can't lose. You just keep playing until you win.

However, you want to win before the game becomes boring, so the way you play is important.

Rule #1: Play no tricks. (No manipulations.)

Rule #2: Be yourself. It is difficult for others to like people who do not like themselves.

Seek out the ones who like the real you. If the real you isn't too appealing, we may have to make a few changes (no fakery).

Rule #3: Be approachable. Traditionally women just had to say "Yes" or "No," while the man had to show an interest and risk a "put down."

Thus he's putting his ego on the block every time he asks for a dance or a date. Now if he has even a slight amount of encouragement, he Is more likely to risk it. Be available but don't announce your availability.

Do not be an "All men are on the make" cynic. Men are not eager to battle with women; if you make him feel like an enemy he will retreat every time.

Rule #4: Be entertaining. A person who spends their time (and maybe money) dating you is entitled to receive something in return.

The pleasure of your company is enough if your company is a pleasure.

Show enthusiasm and be exciting in some way.

GO FISHING IN A WELL-STOCKED POND

Rule #5: Be attentive. Listen and think about what they are saying, ask appropriate questions.

Look at that person, not everyone else who walks by.

Concentrate everything on the one you're with, It makes them feel important and who can resist that?

Rule #6: Don't break dates. Generally folks feel that people break dates for just one reason - ­they'd rather do something else.

Change dates, but do not cancel them.
If someone calls you at the last minute to ask you out, It doesn't mean they've reached the bottom of a long list.

It usually means they've just learned they're free for the evening.

Some feel they can't predict what they will be in the mood for several days away.

Be willing to try anything, any time. Only people unsure of themselves are insulted by a last minute date.

In this dating game, you are guaranteed to win eventually. You will undoubtedly have to change partners a few times before you do - that's really part of the game.

Playing with the same partner all the time offers no basis for comparison.

Try out a variety before you settle on one for life.

Some partners will quit before you have lined up another.

Your enjoyment in single life will be dependent on your ability to line up a new partner shortly.

To start over, make your last one final - a clean break.

Be realistic - your life isn't ruined.

The replacement may far surpass the last one.

It hurts, but you grow as a person with each one

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it."
- Albert Einstein -

                                    

 

Many of us were child grooms or  brides and never really had any real practice in dating and relating. to many members of the opposite sex.

Even if we did have some dating experience as a teenager........
...... it is all different now.

So it's normal for you to be up tight about getting started dating again the second time around because it is indeed an unknown territory.

It is not inborn, it is learned.

It is like learning to ride a bicycle or to play the piano.

It is a lot of effort and stress, very exhausting and not too pleasant until you get some practice behind you and you can play the piano without thinking about every note,

You can ride the bicycle without thinking, now it is falling this way, so I should turn the wheel this way.

Once you get on to doing it automatically, then it is fun.

So it is with dating.

The sooner you get out and get some practice the sooner it will be advanced to a fun state, but you do have to go through the practice and learning stage, just like the piano and bicycle.

Nobody can do it for you; some tips and advice will help, but it will still be somewhat stressful until you have some successes dating.

Most of us go out and bomb a few times and withdraw from the scene.

That is like going out for baseball and stop playing the game because you didn't hit a home run the first few times at bat.

Babe Ruth in the same year he had the record for the most home runs, had the most strike-outs.

What makes you think you are so special you aren't going to have a lot of misses too?

If you are playing horseshoe, you remember what you did when you had a ringer.

You try to do it again, with what you learned, and you get better. You forget about the misses; yet when we start out dating we remember and anguish over all our misses.

Concentrate and remember only the hits and what you did to get those hits.

The same applies about rehashing when you have a relationship end, forget the misses.

Practice reaching out, and remember and repeat it when something works well.

It is an exciting adventure, and look at it that way.

You get a second chance to do it all over again.

Do it right this time, get some experience dating many different people.

Yes, we know, you have only related to one person before and you latched on to the first one that seemed nice, you never got to know what the others are like.

Much as you would like the idea of dating several now you still tend to go right back and repeat yourself.

You say, that person I met is nice, why do I need to date anyone else?

You need to date many to get new experience and experiment to find out what is really available, what others are like and you will discover new things, new types of personalities that you used to think you didn't like and you GROW with each relationship.

You will grow so much that someone you consider super now will be not even in the running six months from now when you grow as a person and you get to really know by experimenting what type of people you really like.

At the same time you will be getting to know (perhaps for the first time) who you really are.

Remember you grow with the interaction of dating and developing many different types of new friends.

You cannot afford to limit your life at this time by an exclusive arrangement right away with the first person that says," hello, you seem nice".

Most that have been one person daters in their early life are amazed that they can handle and be happy and successful dating several people at the same time this time around.

It works out so well for some that they go bananas and date far too many people at the same time and become what we call "fragmented".

So decide what your saturation point is as far as number of dates in a week, and the number of people you can meet, but go out and meet new people at least once a week, despite the fact you have more dates than you can handle.

If you decide that three different people on your dating schedule at the same time is maximum for comfort then when you decide to start dating someone new you will have to discontinue dating someone else.

Always have some new ones on the back burner in the development stage.

If three is maximum and you are dating two nights a week and going out to continue to meet new people one night a week, then some of this group you will not be able to date even once a week, but more like every two weeks.

You will learn to use other time to get preliminarily acquainted with others that seem interesting like going to lunch with them (remember you have to eat anyway) at noon, meeting them somewhere for a drink after work on your way home, going to coffee after a dance or class, etc.

Save your big date nights for someone you still consider interesting and exciting after your preliminary non-class A dating -time- consuming dates.

The definition we use of the word dating is "a contract for a shared period of time."

Time..... is the most valuable thing you have.

You are using it up.

Who you spend your time with is important. Make each shared moment an exciting time that expands your life and adds to your overall well being and happiness.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it."
- Albert Einstein -

 

                              

 

 

How to mingle at a singles dance and meet someone special

 

 

Recently a fellow who's a regular attendee at singles dances expressed exasperation at having been "trapped" talking to a woman he wasn't really interested in. He was asking us for advice on how to keep it from happening again.

Generally I think of this as a female problem. Two friends of mine attended their first singles dance with me. I figured they were assertive enough and had been coached enough to manage just fine. But afterward I discovered that both of them were hesitant to return because they felt they'd been "trapped" by men they weren't interested in.

So let us look first, at how to keep mingling (or simply escape), if that's what you want to do. Then we'll help you be sure you're not the difficult one folks are trying to get rid of!

ARE YOU EASY TO TRAP?

The first and foremost technique to stay "free" at a social event is mingling: move around. The fellow with the problem in question generally sits with a group of friends and visits, only dancing occasionally. It occurs to me that's the reason he had the problem, while most guys don't.

If you claim a spot and hardly move, then anyone who parks themselves next to you can tie up your time.

First, if at all possible, get over the idea that you need a "spot." (For women who claim they need a place for their purses, my advice is to learn to wear clothes with pockets and leave the purse in the car.) If you take root in one place, you are tied down, and nobody else did it to you.

If you've always been one to sit, it will feel very weird to be stand and to move around the first few times, but you'll catch on to it. (The regular random moving around a room is what I call "cruising" and believe me, you will never get stuck with anyone if you know how to "cruise.")

Should you find yourself in a conversation that you want to end _ for whatever reason _ there are several things you can say to make it easy to move on:

_At some reasonable stopping point, say, "It's been nice talking to you, but I think it's time I was mingling." Or use thePolite Reverse and say, "I won't tie you up any longer." And move on.

_Even if you don't know anyone else there, you can say, "There are some other people I need to talk to." There probably are people you'd like to meet and you're entitled to that privilege. This method of extracting yourself from a conversation works especially well if you actually approach other people and start conversations, or ask them to dance.

_"I just arrived (or this is my first time here) and I'm going to take some time to look around."

_"There's something I need to do now." What it is, is your business, of course. If you need a destination, try the bar, the water, or the restroom. Or visit briefly with the cashiers, or request a song from the deejay.

It's nice, if it's true, to end your exit remarks with something like, "Maybe we can talk again later." This keeps the door open, should you decide later that you are interested, and lets the other person feel that you think they are ok, but you just have other things to do right now.

What seems to worry some people are the "repeaters" _ those who come back to talk to you again and again. If you keep yourself busy meeting new people, there's less chance of someone else interrupting. Also, don't feel obligated to "stop to talk" a second time. If they approach you, smile, look away, and keep moving. Eye contact can trap you; learn to keep it brief and then refocus elsewhere.

NEEDING RESCUED

When you're in a place where you know people, you can excuse yourself to go talk to the folks you already know. The psychological advantage of this is tremendous. Harlan tells the story of the time a psychologist he knew came to one of the singles dances and she was obviously very nervous about being there for the first time. Later that evening, however, she seemed much more comfortable and he asked her how it was going. "Oh I'm fine," she said. "One of my clients is here." Knowing someone made the difference.

That's one advantage of insisting on some time to look around when you first arrive; you may discover that there are peoplethere you already know. If it turns out that everyone is a stranger, then start a few conversations with same sex people; in others words, make some friends _ people you find nonthreatening who you can get back to later if you feel "trapped," or neglected.

Make it a point to say hi to the bouncer(s) (if you're in the bar scene), or the "management" at a singles event. Then if someone is bothering you beyond the point of common courtesy, take your situation to the people who can do something about it. This applies at any social function: please speak to the hosts or the sponsors if someone's behavior is out of line. You do a favor to the management (they can't fix a problem they don't know exists) and also to the other guests or customers.

HOW TO SAY "NO"

One of my friends visiting the dance was in dread that a certain man she'd been talking to was going to ask her out and what would she do? "Tell him 'No thank you,'" I said. She considered that inadequate.

One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn is that when declining an invitation, "making excuses" is deadly. The other person can debate your excuse. They can make the case that you do not really need to wash your hair. They can offer alternatives to get around the excuse ("Ok, then how about Wednesday?"). If what you want is for them to take no for an answer, then you have to make clear that the answer is no.

This is the sentence I've found works best for me when someone asks for something I don't want to give them (phone number, date, my life savings): "I don't think that would be a good idea right now."

Of course some people then ask why not and my reply is "Because I don't think that would be a good idea right now." (In assertiveness training, this technique is known as "broken record": you state your position as many times as necessary until the person "gets" that you mean it.)

It's important to me to include the "right now" in the statement because there have been times in my life when I burned these bridges and then later decided I was interested; I don't want to do that again.

HOW TO GET OFF THE DANCE FLOOR

A variation of how to say no is how to say stop, particularly in how to get off the dance floor once you've accepted a dance. Remember that you didn't accept their invitation forever more; you accepted one dance. At the end of a song, simply say, "Thanks for the dance," turn, and begin walking casually off the dance floor. (Fleeing in haste is very rude.) If they say, "Oh, just one more," and that's ok with you, be sure to say, "Ok, but just one more," and emphasize the one.

And what if you're dancing a slow tune with someone who wants to dance closer to you than you want to dance with them?

There's no need to let someone invade your space, but you must act as soon as you feel uncomfortable. Simply stop, right there mid-song, step back, hold your arms up at the desired distance, and restart the dance. You can say, "I think dancing like this would be more appropriate."

If the person gets too friendly again, stop, step back, and walk confidently off the dance floor. No need to say a word.

The first time I saw a woman do this (in a bar, with a man who was obviously drunk), I thought, "Wow, how come I never figured that out?!" A brilliant strategy.

HOW NOT TO WEAR OUT YOUR WELCOME

As we've learned, both guys and gals can feel trapped at a dance by someone they don't know how to escape. Let's call theperson who's difficult to dislodge the Clinger. Will the trapped person be glad to see the Clinger next week? Not a chance.

Believe me, you do not want a reputation as a Clinger, or its more aggressive equivalent, the Pushy Person. Not only will your past targets shun you, but they will also spread the word.

"But I'm not being pushy!" people will say. "I met someone interesting and I want to talk to them! What am I supposed to do?!"

Think, first off. This is a singles dance, most people are there to meet people, most people only want to meet other people who are polite and considerate. Latching on to someone and not letting go is not polite or considerate.

Some folks, of course, really are not polite and don't care. They think muscling their way around is the way to win. Theyare not reading this article; when encountering them, we will apply to techniques mentioned earlier and ignore such people from now on.

HOW TO CONNECT WITH SOMEONE SPECIAL

From literally decades of both observing and participating at singles events and dances I can tell you that the best way tomeet someone interesting, and have them get interested in you, is to mingle. A lot.

Dance with as many people as possible. This shows you are considerate and polite; you dance with everyone after all, including people old enough to be your grandparent. This demonstrates clearly that you are not a Clinger and are therefore Safe to Dance With. This is a very important reputation to have.

So how do you ever connect with the person you think is special, you are asking at this point. Simple.

Keep going back to that one. Dance two songs with them; then mingle for several songs. Dance two songs with them; then mingle. Visit with them a little; then mingle. At some point give them your personal card with your phone number (jotted on a piece of paper, if necessary), and suggest coffee some time if they get a chance to call you. Remember, no pressure! '

Of course, they may right then suggest a time for coffee (after the dance perhaps, or another time). If it's another time,ask for their number after they've offered to meet.

Ironic, isn't it, that the best way to avoid being trapped at a singles dance is also the best way to meet someone special.

Don't sit. Mingle. Dance with everyone.

Live happily ever after.

If what you want is for them to take no for an answer, then you have to make clear that the answer is no.

 

 

 

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"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it."
- Albert Einstein -

 

Are you a lazy lover?

If you're hanging your head in shame right now, you're not alone. According to sexperts, most of us are a big bores in the bedroom and are resting on our laurels or, more accurately, our backs a bit too much. 

Listless lovers abound: "The fact of the matter is, a lot of people get stuck in a rut with their partners, and they go on autopilot rather than shift gears and rev things up."

Sexual staleness is rampant in most relationships: "The tricks stop after the first year when you discover your partner is not perfect," says Dr. Pam, an L.A. conflict therapist. "Most sex for couples takes place between the news and the late show or on Sunday morning once a month or less.

"To keep things interesting you need to be willing to do whatever turns your partner on and most people aren't willing. They think yuck -- that's weird or disgusting!" says Pam, adding that "lack of sexual stimulation probably takes years off our lives."

And it's the death knell of a relationship, says Schwartz, a sociology professor at the University of Washington. "Your take-it-or-leave-it attitude toward sex could undermine the happiness of your relationship.

"Truthfully, it's hard to keep any relationship hot all the time -- but that's what vacations and nooners are for," says Schwartz, adding that it's important to move your love life up on your priority list.

"We tend to go with the tried and true -- we tend to have a fantasy that works for orgasm which we use over and over or a position that feels just right. So we get lazy and do what we know rather than solve what is, after all, a boring situation," adds Schwartz, author of The Lifetime Love And Sex Quiz Book (Hyperion).

Expressing desires

Susan Crain Bakos agrees: "We're totally creatures of habit and become more so in a relationship: Partly because we don't want our partners to think less of us if we express a desire they might find unacceptable."

According to this sexpert, we could all use some fine-tuning in the sex department. "It's unlikely that most people really are good in bed. Not enough people value technique -- and, hey, you're not good without it."

Erotic enthusiasm and the willingness to learn technique are all that it takes to be good in bed, says Crain Bakos, author of Sexational Secrets And Still Sexy: How The Boomers Are Doing It (St. Martin's Press).

SEX TOYS



"Men generally feel more confident than women in bed because a lot of women flatter and mislead men about how well they are actually doing," says Schwartz.

"Men think if they can get and keep a hard erection they are a pretty good lover on that basis alone.

"If they have a big penis they are more confident and if they think they are giving their partner passion and orgasms (or she makes him think so), they feel proud of themselves."

Women, on the other hand, are often worried about their desirability more than their technique, she adds.

Experts agree that sex is really important for a viable and healthy relationship, "otherwise people turn into roommates, often with less commitment and less joy in the relationship," says Schwartz.

"In good long-lasting sexual relationships, the couple rediscovers one another over and over again. Sure, they get bored, but hopefully they get interested again," says Crain Bakos.

Sex toys

Relationship ruts abound, including getting fat, says Crain Bakos. "Shape up physically, including tightening those vital PC muscles. Bring something new into the bedroom -- a sex toy, a new technique, a video.

"Lighten up, stop dumping on one another and make sex more playful and fun. Laugh!"

And just do it, she says. "Stop making excuses and just do it, even if you're not in the mood. Sex smooths the rough edges of relationships -- even mediocre sex is better than no sex."

Adds Crain Bakos: "Italian men are the best lovers. They are passionate, they are skilled, they can be tender and they are completely present in bed. And they are good at any age."

Meanwhile, Dr. Joel Block doesn't buy the lazy line. Things get stale because the emotional discovery that enraptured us at the beginning of the relationship dries up over time.

"Lovers are very open with each other initially, then gradually that dissipates," says Block, who is on the faculty of Einstein College of Medicine in New York.

"It's not about laziness; laziness is a lazy explanation. It is due to two factors that interact: 1) the fear of being judged and 2) the central role the person starts to play in your life over time. As the person becomes increasingly important to you, you start to play it safe, so as not to be judged poorly.

"Of course, that is precisely the wrong thing to do -- it is the kiss of death. You are withdrawing from the very thing that made the relationship hot in the beginning!

"Hot sex and passion is derived from having the courage to undress yourself emotionally with your partner -- a very erotic experience," says Block, author of Naked Intimacy and Secrets Of Better Sex.

---

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"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it."
- Albert Einstein -

 

Date Expectations
Getting back into the "dating game" after divorce.

One of the biggest emotional challenges we face when divorced is getting over our concerns about dating. Some of us fear that the "dating game" has changed so drastically, we won't be able to live up to its new (and, we expect, hardly improved) rules; others worry that dating may in fact be everything we remember -- including the broken hearts. While we dread the unknown, we are more afraid of the consequences of missed opportunities: after all, if we don't get back up on the dating horse, the odds are a long shot that we'll ever ride into the sunset with our true love.

By taking the time to understand your fears, your desires, and your feelings, you can beat the odds. For example, some Venusians may suppress their feelings of loss. This in turn diminishes their abilities to feel, and may lead them to the misimpression that "the right man" will open them up. These women then seek "dramatic tension" in future relationships. By waiting for the right guy to awaken their passion for living, they may never find what they think they're looking for.

A man's issues are different. Many men feel physical or sexual attraction first before turning their attentions to other traits that might encourage further interest. A man rebounding after a divorce may seek sexual comfort before dealing with the feelings that will help him look beyond the initial attraction and recognize the qualities that make for successful partnerships.

These mistakes may cause you to seek out the wrong partners, or have unrealistic expectations of the dating process. If and when you strike out, you may lose your motivation to keep dating. Your true goal should be threefold:

1) realizing your emotional needs;

2) determining the traits that you seek in a soul mate, and

3) meeting enough people so that you can find a possible partner.

Here are tips that will help you accomplish this goal:

Tip #1: Take the time to make a list of your emotional needs.
This is an essential step to take prior to getting back into the dating game. Why? Because if you don't take the time to know what you want, you won't recognize it when you find it, or you'll waste your time by looking in the wrong place or at the wrong people.

Tip #2: Be realistic when making your emotional needs list.
Sometimes we sabotage our chances of finding love by expecting a relationship to be problem-free, or by creating an impossible wish list for what we seek in a mate. For your next committed relationship, get real. That means prioritizing the traits you want in a partner -- and expecting that some traits (preferably the least important ones) may not make the cut.

Tip #3: Remember, successful dating experiences first require a willingness to date.
Most people make the mistake of dropping out of dating when they don't find the right person, thinking that the process is too much of a hassle. In fact, the more people you date, the more likely it will be that you'll find someone that embodies many of the soul mate traits you seek. If you strike out, don't blame yourself. Instead, recognize that some people you meet are better off as friends, or distant acquaintances, and move on.

Tip #4: Don't judge your dates by your last relationship.
It's a new life, and the people you meet aren't your ex. Sure, they may have their own hang-ups, but that is what dating is about: discovering what you like -- or don't like -- about someone who attracts you. Remember: you can't stay in the game if you won't play.

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- Albert Einstein -

 

 

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"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it."
- Albert Einstein -

 

 

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"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it."
- Albert Einstein -

 

 

MARKETING YOURSELF AS A POTENTIAL FRIEND OR DATING PROSPECT.

What you are selling is YOU.
YOU are "the product" you are selling. You need first of all a good product and second you need to understand something about marketing the
product. One or both of these may need fixing.

If no one seems to be interested in the product we first of all need to shape up the product and make sure it is in competitive shape.

This does not mean spending $100 at the beauty parlor. It does mean getting yourself to become the person you should and could  be.


We assume we are marketing an enthusiastic single person, excited about  a second chance at new relationships and a new life, past all the emotional garbage and quirks left over from the long term
relationship that "expired".

It's tough marketing this "you" if you are still dragging all that  baggage around and it is still part of a package that comes with you.

They may be real interested in you but wisely avoid you because they do not want to get mixed up in all that carry-over baggage.

For today, we are just reminding you about that and moving on with getting you an understanding of basic marketing. Since a network of single friends is the key to success in your new life, (including dating success) what you are marketing here is YOU as a
potential friend and dating prospect.



 I got the philosophy of "if something is not
working, (and you get hungry) stop doing it and try something else".First thing I learned was that a good salesman deveoped right off, was to find ways to always have  a never ending source of getting
prospects  to make a pitch to, this was absolutely essential.

This is called prospecting. Figure out where to go where there are lots of potential prospects.
(people in the market for what you are selling, in this case you.)

Remember, the product is you as a potential friend and dating prospect. When you get there, then you talk to potential prospects as many as you
can work in, and then you do what we called qualifying each individual  prospect. 

Did they seem to be real interested, where they qualified to handle or be able to use this type of product? (were they in the market and did they have the ability to buy?)

Since prospecting time is valuable, we take phone or contact numbers with a promise to contact them later about a demo. (sales pitch)

We move on and get as many prospects qualified and on paper as we can when we are in a sea of them.
You would like to just take this real interested prospect and give them  the whole demo and sell them right now.... but...

If you do that, you will have no time to qualify other prospects in your file to work on the rest of the week and your odds will be greatly lowered of having a great week.

If or when you run out of qualified prospects, (people you already had some contact with and you decided were qualified prospects) you are in trouble. Little chance of good results this week. You can still salvage the week but you are really going to have
to work at it...

Look for places where even maybe a few prospects will be hanging out..
Contact past sales (friends) and see if they know of any prospects you might talk to or somewhere to go where they think there may be some good prospects..and....step up the search by asking every qualified or unqualified prospect you talk to, do they know of anyone who might be in the market for
your product right now....

Struck out...? Give them a business card and ask them to call you if they think of or run into any prospects for your type of product. Offer them a reward...for doing so....

Enough on prospecting...you get the idea...you have to work at this...too lazy...?
Well, we probably can not help you here then because this is a do it yourself project.

Next comes contacting your prospects and getting together for coffee, or whatever and with you being able to go through your pitch. (We called it a demonstration)

The real truth is that this all boils down to simple numbers.  That is right, success in marketing anything at all is based on numbers.

If you had assembled cards listing 30 qualified contacts you could reach this week, you could usually turn that into about 20 "demonstrations."
If you could make 20 full fledged demonstrations in a week, you could  almost always turn that into four or five sales.

If you make four or five sales a week you were a big success. the trick  was, some could do this once in a while but if you had a plan and worked your plan (numbers) every week, you would wind up with nearly the same sales each week.

The home office you sold for would be amazed and send you bonuses and awards and send you newbie salesmen to train to see if they could do the  same thing.

Now how well you did the demonstration (let's be friends pitch and talk  about life as a single person in your case) will have a bearing on this result but that is another story.My whole lesson today is to get across to you that you do have to work at this and you do have to work with the numbers.

There are no real effective short cuts, you can improve your prospecting, you can improve your percentage of demonstrations to sales... but to develop a network of single friends and dating
prospects you still have to work with the numbers.

This is something I write on quite often and it pertains to something called the "law of averages"
Other articles I wrote years ago throw a little more light on the subject of working with the numbers.

Since you are working at developing friends and dating prospects part  time....(not doing it for a living...) we will use my one week numbers
"marketing example" for you for two months of "working" at it..

To have a successful 60 days your target then is .........to prospect and have contact one way or the other with 30 potential friends (of both sexes) in two months time.

Prospects which you retain a further contact method such as Phone number, IM, (instant messaging) E-mail etc. Perhaps, Internet, personal ads, singles events, friends reference,  you name it, go where they are and talk....get acquainted.   Further contact along the way, with 20 of them, contact where
you get to know each other a little more.  Maybe getting together for coffee after an event, maybe some type of date etc. Agreeing to meet again at
some event etc. where you can get further
acquainted.

Out of that 20....4 or 5 long term friends are developed and wind up joining your "personal singles network".  How you maintain that ever enlarging circle of your singles network, is another newsletter
for another day.

About the same numbers and percentages, as my example of someone in direct marketing.  How much prospecting you do to maintain these figures, how long it takes to develop a pool of friends and dating prospects is determined by these numbers.

Saying "I wish" I had a lot of friends, acquaintances, and dating prospects, gets you nowhere.

Working at it does. How you maintain that ever enlarging circle of your singles network and
dating pool, is another newsletter for another day.

MARKETING YOURSELF AS A POTENTIAL FRIEND OR DATING PROSPECT.

What you are selling is YOU.
YOU are "the product" you are selling. You need first of all a good product and second you need to understand something about marketing the
product. One or both of these may need fixing.

If no one seems to be interested in the product we first of all need to shape up the product and make sure it is in competitive shape. This does not mean spending $100 at the beauty parlor.

It does mean getting yourself to become the person you should and could be.

Today we will concentrate on  marketing the all new improved YOU. We assume we are marketing an enthusiastic single person, excited about a second chance at new relationships and a new life, past all
the emotional garbage and quirks left over from the long term relationship that "expired".

It's tough marketing this "you" if you are still dragging all that baggage around and it is still part of a package that comes with you.

They may be real interested in you but wisely avoid you because they do not want to get mixed up in all that carry-over baggage. For today, we are just reminding you about that and moving on with
getting you an understanding of basic marketing.

Since a network of single friends is the key to success in your new life, (including dating success) what you are marketing here is YOU as a potential friend and dating prospect.I started out making a living in selling on commission at the age of 17.
Tough way to go but you soon figure out what works and what does not, because no results, on commission means no pay....

Maybe that is where I got the philosophy of "if something is not working, (and you get hungry) stop doing it and try something else".

First thing I learned was that a good salesman deveoped right off, was to find ways to always have  a never ending source of getting prospects
to make a pitch to, this was absolutely essential.

This is called prospecting.

Figure out where to go where there are lots of potential prospects. (people in the market for what you are selling, in this case you.)

Remember, the product is you as a potential friend and dating prospect.

When you get there, then you talk to potential prospects as many as you can work in, and then you do what we called qualifying each individual
prospect. 

Did they seem to be real interested, where they qualified to handle or be able to use this type of product? (were they in the market and did they have the ability to buy?)

Since prospecting time is valuable, we take phone or contact numbers with a promise to contact them later about a demo. (sales pitch)

We move on and get as many prospects qualified and on paper as we can when we are in a sea of them.

You would like to just take this real interested prospect and give them the whole demo and sell them right now.... but...If you do that, you will have no time to qualify other prospects in your
file to work on the rest of the week and your odds will be greatly lowered of having a great week.

If or when you run out of qualified prospects, (people you already had some contact with and you decided were qualified prospects) you are in trouble.

Little chance of good results this week. You can still salvage the week but you are really going to have
to work  at it...

Look for places where even maybe a few prospects will be hanging out.. Contact past sales (friends) and see if they know of any prospects you might talk to or somewhere to go where they think there may be
some good prospects..and....step up the search by asking every qualified or unqualified prospect you
talk to, do they know of anyone who might be in the market for your product right now....

Struck out...? Give them a business card and ask them to call you if they think of or run into any prospects for your type of product. Offer them a reward...for doing so....Enough on prospecting...you get the idea...you have to work at this...
too lazy...?

Well, we probably can not help you here then because this is a do it yourself project.

Next comes contacting your prospects and getting together for coffee, or  whatever and with you being able to go through your pitch. (We called it  a demonstration)

The real truth is that this all boils down to simple numbers.  That is right, success in marketing anything at all is based on numbers.

If you had assembled cards listing 30 qualified contacts you could reach this week, you could usually turn that into about 20 "demonstrations."
If you could make 20 full fledged demonstrations in a week, you could almost always turn that into four or five sales.

If you make four or five sales a week you were a big success. the trick was, some could do this once in a while but if you had a plan and worked your plan (numbers) every week, you would wind up with nearly the same sales each week.

The home office you sold for would be amazed and send you bonuses and awards and send you newbie salesmen to train to see if they could do the
same thing.

Now how well you did the demonstration (let's be friends pitch and talk about life as a single person in your case) will have a bearing on this result but that is another story

My whole lesson today is to get across to you that you do have to work at this and you do have to work with the numbers. There are no real effective short cuts, you can improve your prospecting, you can improve your percentage of demonstrations to
sales... but to develop a network of single friends and dating prospects you still have to work with the numbers.

This is something I write on quite often and it pertains to something called the "law of averages"

Other articles I wrote years ago throw a little more light on the subject of working with the numbers.

Since you are working at developing friends and dating prospects part time....(not doing it for a living...) we will use my one week numbers
"marketing example" for you for two months of "working" at it..

To have a successful 60 days your target then is .........to prospect and have contact one way or the other with 30 potential friends (of both sexes) in two months time.

Prospects which you retain a further contact method such as Phone number, IM, (instant messaging) E-mail etc.

Perhaps, Internet, personal ads, singles events, friends reference,  you name it, go where they are and talk....get acquainted. 

Further contact along the way, with 20 of them, contact where you get to  know each other a little more.  Maybe getting together for coffee after
an event, maybe some type of date etc. Agreeing to meet again at some event etc. where you can get further acquainted.

Out of that 20....4 or 5 long term friends are developed and wind up joining your "personal singles network".  How you maintain that ever
enlarging circle of your singles network, is another newsletter for another day.

About the same numbers and percentages, as my example of someone in direct marketing. 

How much prospecting you do to maintain these figures, how long it takes to develop a pool of friends and dating prospects is determined by these
numbers.

Saying "I wish" I had a lot of friends, acquaintances, and dating prospects, gets you nowhere.

Working at it does.

How you maintain that ever enlarging circle of your singles network and  dating pool, is another day.

---

Keeping you informed, entertained and amused..

Moncton.net archives-http://www.moncton.net/canadian%2Ddiscussions/


http://www.moncton.net/e/chat.aspx
Chat Room


"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it."
- Albert Einstein -

 

  into dating again as a mature adult.  

---