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Quotes by Steven Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

~ Steven Wright


Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

~ Steven Wright


I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

~ Steven Wright


My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

~ Steven Wright


If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

~ Steven Wright


It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

~ Steven Wright


A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

~ Steven Wright


If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

~ Steven Wright


Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

~ Steven Wright


Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

~ Steven Wright


I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

~ Steven Wright


Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

~ Steven Wright


What's another word for Thesaurus?

~ Steven Wright


Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'

~ Steven Wright


Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

~ Steven Wright


If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

~ Steven Wright


I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

~ Steven Wright


A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

~ Steven Wright


When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

~ Steven Wright


Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

~ Steven Wright


A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

~ Steven Wright


I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

~ Steven Wright


There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

~ Steven Wright


Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

~ Steven Wright


I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

~ Steven Wright


Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

~ Steven Wright


Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

~ Steven Wright


Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

~ Steven Wright


It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

~ Steven Wright


Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

~ Steven Wright


I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

~ Steven Wright


Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

~ Steven Wright


Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'

~ Steven Wright


Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

~ Steven Wright


I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

~ Steven Wright


A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

~ Steven Wright

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